


Conditional loop

by laireshi



Category: Avengers (Comics), Marvel 616
Genre: Angst, Avengers #29 spoilers, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Stony Bingo, Time Loop, hickmanvengers, more warnings in notes at the end, post NA#3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-22
Updated: 2014-06-22
Packaged: 2018-02-05 16:29:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1824952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laireshi/pseuds/laireshi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are some sacrifices Steve isn't willing to make, but with the Time Gem, he doesn't have to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Conditional loop

**Author's Note:**

> Fill for the groundhog day field on my stevetony bingo card.
> 
> Okay, so, first things first: I blame [magicasen](http://archiveofourown.org/users/magicasen).  
> Thanks to [runningondreams](http://archiveofourown.org/users/runningondreams) and [kuro](http://archiveofourown.org/users/kuro) for betaing :)
> 
> Spoilers up to Avengers #31.
> 
> There are some very spoilery for the fic warnings at the end.

Steve watches Iron Man fall.

The urge to run to him and check if he's all right is strong, but he stops himself. Reminds himself what To – Stark – has done to him, reminds himself he does not care. Stark will get up soon enough anyway.

Except he doesn't.

The rest of the Illuminati stand next to him, and Richards kneels down, runs his arms over the armour. It opens – Steve has never known Richards knew how to operate it, but it makes sense – and Steve waits for Stark to sit up and crack a joke.

He doesn't.

He doesn't, and Richards touches the RT gently, but there's no point; Steve is far away, but close enough to see that it's not shining.

That Tony is dead.

 _No_ , Steve thinks, and grips the Time Gem.

***

Steve wakes up.

His fist is clenched tight. He opens it, and sees the Time Gem. It takes him a minute to understand what happened.

The moment he does, he's out of the bed and pulling on his clothes as fast as he can. He runs to the lab Tony's in with Richards and McCoy, none of them having really slept for days – but Steve can't help them with battling science, now can he; he's too stupid for that, and the thought still hurts. He stops in the lab.

They look at him.

“What's going on?” McCoy asks, finally.

“You tell me,” Steve says, acutely aware that he hasn't sought them out ever since remembering. That he agreed to their working together here, but only barely. That the one thing they probably expect from him is a punch.

And why wouldn't they, after what they've done.

Except.

Except he can't quite hate any of them, especially not Tony, and Tony died, and –

Steve hasn't forgiven him, not even close. But Tony died. Steve watched it happen. Tony died, and Steve hadn't questioned what he was going to do, and _he should have known_ , for fuck's sake, it was hardly the first time Tony tried to kill himself to solve a problem, except he succeeded this time, and – 

Steve hasn't forgiven him, but he's not sure if he means Tony agreeing to deleting his memories, or watching Tony die.

Tony doesn't look at him as he says, “We have a solution.”

“And does this solution include you dying?” Steve asks, sharply.

Tony looks up at that. “And if it doesn't, should I rework it?”

Steve wants to punch him. “Stark, I told you: _no one_ dies.”

Tony still doesn't meet his eyes as he says, “it's a risk, but it should work.”

Steve doesn't believe him.

“Tell me,” Steve says.

“The RT can generate immense amounts of energy. If it's rerouted via a vibranium core at the centre of the incursion, it should push _all_ the aligning worlds back and steady them,” Tony explains. 

Steve knows he has no way of judging if what Tony says is true.

“We told you we were going to stop the incursions,” Richards says. “Let us work, Captain, please.”

Steve turns to him. “So you are all okay with Tony killing himself like that, yes?”

He hears Tony taking in a sharp breath at the words, but it's Richards who answers. He looks very serious. “Tony is my friend. It is risky, and I regret it, but there is no other way.”

“Stop pretending you care, Steve,” Tony says, tiredly. “You don't, and it's okay. No one can blame you. We all know that if it was up to you, I'd still be in the cell.”

“ _Alive_ ,” Steve spats.

“Because you care so much,” Tony repeats. “I used you, remember?”

It hurts as if Tony stabbed him.

“I used you,” he continues. “I used you and I lied to you, I've been lying to you for _months_.”

Steve can't breathe.

“Let us work.”

Steve doesn't consciously realize he leaves, not really. He's digging his fingernails into his palms, and he feels as if he was drowning, and being in one room with Tony is too much.

_I'll find some way to make this right._

_I used you. And I'd do it again._

_The only way you're going to stop me is to kill me . . . And I don't think you're willing to do that. Are you, Steve?_

All the things Tony has done and said, and Steve still couldn't deal with his death, and he knows, some part of him knows, that Tony did nothing but lie to him in the lab – but he can't go back there.

What would he go back for? They are all geniuses, and they need to finish their work, and Steve can only hinder them. He knows it all too well. They can show him diagrams and equations proving it's not dangerous, and it wouldn't matter at all, would it?

He punches the wall, frustrated, hoping the physical pain will clear his mind.

It doesn't.

***

Steve stands right next to him as they connect the armour to a harness made from vibranium, cables going into the RT. He can't see Tony's face. Richards is stretched around him, making sure everything is in place.

“Be safe,” he says.

Iron Man nods.

He turns to Steve, as if he wants to say something, stops moving for a moment, and then flies upwards, without saying a word.

Steve watches him get between the two worlds, charging his repulsors.

There is an explosion of light, and when Steve can see again, Iron Man is lying on the ground.

Steve runs to him and falls to his knees next to him, quickly says all the codes and watches the armour open. Tony is very pale, but the RT is still shining. Steve lets out a breath of relief, and then –

The RT is getting darker.

“You lied,” Steve says.

“I told you it was risky,” Tony whispers. “But _you_ live, so it's all right.”

“Don't you dare,” Steve orders, but Tony can't hear it anymore.

Steve doesn't think, he just reaches into his pocket and grabs the Time Gem again.

***

He gets up and as soon as he gets his bearings, he runs to the lab.

“What's going on?” McCoy asks.

Tony is hunched over a keyboard. Richards looks around and then stands in front of him, as if trying to hide him. Steve remembers punching Tony in the face in this very lab and can't honestly say he wouldn't do it again.

“That solution of yours,” Steve says. “Just how risky is it?”

They're too still for a moment, and then Tony stands up and looks at him over Richards' shoulder. Their eyes meet for a second, and they've always understood each other without words.

“Perfectly safe,” Tony lies with a straight face and a smile.

“Make it better,” Steve says.

Tony raises his eyebrow. “It's good.”

“Stop lying,” Steve says.

Tony huffs a laugh. “I didn't realize you knew anything about multidimensional physics, Steve.”

_And now I bet all you can think about is how much Stark laughed at you._

It was just a stupid nightmare – a very real fear – and Tony shouldn't know about it, but of course, Tony has always known Steve. Has always known just where to hit so that it'd hurt.

“No,” Steve grits out, forces the image of Tony laughing from his head. “But I know _you_.”

“And yet you didn't catch me lying for months,” Tony says. “So maybe you don't. The solution is safe.”

Steve wants to ask for a proof, but he can't get one. He wants to yell at Tony, but when has that ever helped? He wants to shake him, and plead with him, and he knows trying to change Tony's mind is like trying to wish gravity away.

“Fine,” he says. “Then you won't mind me watching.”

Richards starts to say something, but Tony puts his hand on his arm and shakes his head. “Suit yourself,” he says.

They get back to work, do all the final tests, and Steve doesn't understand a word they're saying.

Steve has always enjoyed watching Tony work, seeing his expression when he solved a particularly hard problem, watching him think over things yet unsolved. It's different, now. It's nothing like all the times Steve has sat in Tony's lab and exchanged easy banter with him while Tony fixed his armour or made yet another invention for Stark Enterprises. It's not even that they're not alone. It's how Tony is tense and tired, serious. His back is never straight, he looks as if he hasn't slept for days. There are still bandages peeking out from under his tank top, a sharp reminder of just how little time has passed since Steve's world was broken beyond repair.

But it's the whole multiverse that really needs repairing.

Tony stands in front of him, suddenly. “Steve,” he says. “We know the incursion starts in two hours. We know it'll take place in Central Park. You should be out there with the Avengers. They need a leader.”

Steve looks at him. “They're a good team. They can cope.”

“I know,” Tony laughs quietly, as if it pains him. “I designed that team, after all.”

It's like a bucket of cold water.

_You used me._

_I suppose I did. And I'd do it again._

“It's a good team,” Tony says. “But it needs you. You are the central part of it.”

Steve wants to laugh. He wants to cry. He just shakes his head. “We always work best together,” he says. “Don't do it.”

“Do what,” Tony says, flatly.

“Tony.”

“I know what I'm doing,” Tony says. “You don't. Let me work.”

“Tony,” Steve repeated.

“Let me work,” Tony says, his expression closed off. “I don't need you here, Rogers.”

Steve feels as if his breath has been knocked out of him, and looks at Tony in disbelief, but he's already walking away.

***

All of them swear up and down it's safe. Steve knows they're lying, but he can't stop them. In the end Carol forcefully leads him away.

“Let them work,” she says.

“He'll kill himself,” Steve says.

Carol is silent.

They watch Tony fly towards the other Earth, charging the repulsors . . . Whiteness.

When it recedes, Steve is alone. He looks around, and sees Carol above him, catching Tony as he falls. She lands next to Steve and carefully puts Tony on the ground. Steve opens the armour.

The RT is dead. There are arcs of electricity flying over it, slowly disappearing.

Steve feels empty as he uses the Time Gem again.

***

This time, he yells. It doesn't help. He pleads. He begs. He apologises, he's not even sure for what. He does everything, and sees Tony falling, again and again.

He tries to close Tony in a cell, and fails. He tries to close him in a cell, and does it, and later uses the gem seconds before the other Earth would hit theirs.

He does everything. Tony always dies.

***

He gets up, puts on his clothes. He feels tired. He can't go on like this. He thought Tony couldn't hurt him more, after Steve remembered it all, but it wasn't true. He's not sure if he hates Tony, if he ever has, if he's even able to; he knows he hates the idea of the world without Tony in it.

He slowly goes to the lab.

What else can he do?

“What's going on?” McCoy asks.

“Nothing,” Steve says. “Tony. Can we talk?”

“We're working, Captain,” Richards says, even as Tony nods.

“We are almost done. What is it?”

“In private,” Steve says.

Tony raises his eyebrows, but gestures at Steve to follow him, leads him to another lab.

“Don't do this,” Steve begs.

“Do what,” Tony says without any inflection.

“Tony,” Steve says. “I know what your solution looks like. You'll kill yourself fixing it. _Don't_.”

“So what if I will,” Tony says.

Steve wants to shake him, but he forces himself to stay calm. “Please,” he says.

Tony laughs. “It's the only way,” he says. “And if I die, so be it.”

“Tony,” Steve says, pleadingly. “Don't think you have to commit suicide to – to atone for your sins. Don't. Find another way.”

“There's no other way,” Tony says calmly.

“There's always a way!”

“That's what you said before I told Strange to wipe your mind,” Tony says mildly. And Steve has lived through it so many times, he knows exactly what Tony is doing, trying to push him away. It doesn't hurt any less.

“I don't want you to die,” Steve admits quietly.

“No. Just to rot in a cell.”

“Tony.”

“Stop pretending, Steve,” Tony says, and he sounds tired.

“I'm not!” Steve yells. “I saw you die – I've seen you die countless times! I can't do it anymore!”

Tony is looking at him as if he's losing his mind, and maybe he is, he doesn't care; he can't live through Tony dying again, he can't. Then something like understanding flashes in Tony's eyes. “The Time Gem,” he says, and Steve shrugs.

“Yes.”

“You _idiot_ ,” Tony says. “The incursions are ripping this reality apart and you're, what –”

“You died!” Steve roars. “It's not an acceptable solution!”

“So you'd rather watch the Earth burn,” Tony says, and he sounds _fascinated_. “Steve Rogers, Captain America. And you're risking it for _me_?” Tony shakes his head, smiles self-deprecatingly. “I'm drunk, aren't I? Drunk and hallucinating.”

Steve gives in to the urge, grabs Tony by his arms and shakes him. “Tony,” he says. “Stop being a dick. Why is that so hard to believe?”

Tony stares at him incredulously. “Do you want to start in the beginning and get through the time I got you killed, or are the recent events enough? I agreed to delete your memories. I betrayed you. I lied to you. I used you. _I'd do it all again_.”

Steve doesn't loosen his grip on Tony's arms. “I watched you die,” he repeats. “So many times. And _I won't do that again_.”

Tony kisses him.

Steve thinks he should push him away, but instead he pulls him closer, kisses back, tries to undress him without letting go.

It's nothing like he's imagined having sex with Tony would be. It's rough and fast and Tony scrapes his teeth over Steve's skin, and Steve isn't sure if it's lust or anger between them, knows they've both lost the chance at it being love. He leaves bruises on Tony's arms, and grips him too tight, and tries to say something, but each time Tony kisses him to keep him quiet.

Later, Tony sneaks out of his embrace almost immediately, gets dressed, and throws Steve's uniform at him.

“Find another way,” Steve pleads.

“I will.”

Steve believes him.

***

Steve knows everyone is staring at him, and doesn't care. He puts his arm around Iron Man's neck, forces him to lean down, and kisses the top of the helmet.

“Be safe, Tony,” Steve says, and Iron Man nods.

He flies up. Steve has watched so many times before, but this one will be different.

There's whiteness. A soundless explosion.

Iron Man is falling to the ground.

Steve runs to him, rattles off the code, reaches to touch Tony – 

The RT node is flickering.

“Sorry,” Tony says.

“You lied to me,” Steve realises.

“To be fair, I did tell you that's what I do,” Tony says, and his voice sounds strained.

Steve reaches into his pocket, to touch the gem, but it's empty. Panic floods over him, because it's impossible – 

Tony handed him his uniform, back in the lab.

“You used me,” Steve says numbly.

“Yes. I suppose I did,” Tony says. “And I'd do it again.”

Steve thinks it should be impossible to hurt this much. “Tony.”

Steve wants to yell at him, but there's no point. Tony's eyes are closed, and the RT dark.

**Author's Note:**

> Major character death, Tony Stark.


End file.
